HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – In an unprecedented move, gossip outlet TMZ has paid Rick Ross $1 million dollars for the right to not release a recent sex tape featuring the larger than life rapper. “It was sickening,” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin.
“I couldn’t tell whose breasts were whose. I felt degraded.” In the video, Ross reportedly uses a savory chicken drumstick in an unsavory manner. “Once he started grunting and putting a condom on that drumstick, I knew it was my duty to humanity to make sure this tape never saw the light of day,” added Levin.
The whopping four hour tape largely features Ross eating in the nude and soliciting passersby to touch “Big Meech.” Some of Ross’ biggest hits also receive pornographic interpretations. A segment inspired by “Aston Martin Music” shows a weeping Drake watching a profusely sweating Ross eat macaroni and cheese while receiving fellatio in an Aston Martin.
“MC Hammer” covertly captures a hooker rejecting the advances of MC Hammer while Ross devours a deep fried stripper. In the wake of TMZ’s refusal to release the video, Ross’ management has reached out to legendary adult entertainment company Playboy, with hopes of a creating a Paris Hilton-esque buzz for his upcoming album God Forgives, I Don’t.
The video—entitled A Night in Rick Ross’ Stomach—is slated to hit the internet and put KFC out of business next week